Shopping, The Devil's Hell
by devilhunter123
Summary: What happens when Sparda gets caught to shop for his family?


**Shopping: The Devils hell**

_Prologue: Eva has fallen ill with the flu and they were low on food as Sparda discovered to his horror. However Eva made him go shopping and to take the Dante and Vergil with him so they wouldn't catch the flu and also to help Sparda with the shopping due to the fact he had as much experience at shopping as a dog._

"Why do they always take the best parking spot?" growled a pissed off Sparda as he drove past the same row of parked cars for the umpteenth time. He noticed the twins muttering discreetly to each other

"What are you two talking about?" said a suspicious Sparda

"How much money you'll have to put in the swear jar today… mum says 20 pounds" said a sniggering Dante as Vergil suppressed a grin.

"Then your mother doesn't know shit! Oh crap! Damn it not again!" yelled Sparda

"C'mon dad there's a parking spot over there! Go! Go! go!" yelled Vergil who was starting to get ticked off. Sparda pulled cleanly into the space with an incredible ease,

"Uh… dad this is a disabled parking space" said an uncertain Dante

"Your point being? They've had it to good for too long. Now lets go." Said Sparda

And they set off to get a trolley but it was difficult to get a pound coin.

"Stupid sonuva why's it always a £1 and never something easy to get like a red orb?" yelled Sparda

"Y'know dad" sniggered Dante "It helps if you put the coin in that slot thingy instead of _in_ the trolley"

"Don't be smart to me!" said Sparda who felt like throttling Dante since he was right.

"Oh yeah" Sparda had just remembered " your mother said if your good you can get a packet of pop-tarts and something to drink each"

Dante looked as though Christmas had come early while Vergil looked as though he'd kill for them (which he probably would someday) but after that they became little angels and helped their father with the finding of the eggs, bacon, cereal, drinks and so on. When they were at the checkout Vergil reminded Sparda:

"Don't forget the pop-tarts dad." Said an eager Vergil

"Oh yeah… I lied." said a merry Sparda "Oh yeah Sparda shoots and he scores."

"Why?" replied Dante who looked as though he'd go into devil trigger.

"I needed to control you… so I lied" Sparda replied simply.

"Verge, would you c'mere a minute." said Dante his voice full of murderous rage,

"What?" said a ticked off Vergil.

"We need to get him back!"

"No, you think (!)" said Vergil very sarcastically "What do you have in mind?"

"Listen you cause a diversion and I'll make sure mum tortures the hell out of him." said Dante with the familiar grin

"How?" a confused Vergil said "Mums sick, She can barley move."

"Think how she'd react when father gets in trouble for shoplifting." said Dante

"Dante that's terrible… I like it!" said a happy Vergil

"Thought you would" said Dante with the malicious grin "First we need a distraction."

"Why ahead of you Dante." said Vergil brandishing a bottle of HP sauce.

With only 1 part of the plan known, Vergil filled out his duty with honor. He sneaked up on Sparda and opened the bottle and dumped the contents on his fathers head. Sparda screamed like a girl and threw his coat to Dante "Hold this while I kill your brother!" Yelled Sparda as he ran after Vergil with his red sauce stained hair.

Dante agreed by taking a £20 out of the wallet and pocketing it while filling all the pockets in the coat with pop-tarts but he paid for the shopping and put the wallet in the coat again so as not to arouse suspicion. "Is that your father? What's wrong with him?" asked the clerk.

"Special needs." Said Dante "He doesn't understand anything (literally), he's convinced he's a devil from the demon world."

Suddenly Vergil ran past screaming and running for his life flanked by Sparda and two security guards Dante gave him a swift wink to show he was done and Vergil came to a halt while Sparda ran into a shelf full of beans and got a concussion in the process. He got up dragging Vergil by the hand "gimmie that" he said to Dante picking up the pop-tart stuffed coat "Thanks Dante now we won't have to stay a minute longer in this clean smelling hell-hole as they were walking out He started talking to Vergil "I'm disappointed in you Vergil wait 'til I tell your mother about…" BEEP! He broke off. The security sensor went off. Vergil and Dante smiled swiftly then pretended to look stunned.

**_3 hours later_****_Time: 15:13_**

The phone was ringing. Eva answered it: "Hello" a sick Eva said

"Is this the wife of a Mr. Sparda?" asked the voice

"Yes, why?" she asked bracing herself for the worst

"I'm with Tesco security. I'm afraid your husband has attempted to shoplift 13 packets of pop-tarts. We've tried to get a reason out of him but he keeps shouting "the twins, the twins!" for the past two and a half hours but the twins were too distressed to say anything but they might have said something but it was hard to hear over the shouting but they said "mum with a frying pan." And he went unconscious. We will let them go however if they get out of here now."

"Yes" said Eva, sickness vanishing "Send them home now"

_**6 hours and 10 minutes later of driving in circlesTime: 21:23**_

"Dante and Vergil go to your room" said Eva they ran upstairs

"Sparda what the _hell_ were you thinking!" she shouted

"They started it." Mumbled Sparda

Dante and Vergil were listening but stopped when they heard a dull clunk come from the kitchen they went straight to sleep giggling.


End file.
